note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
