I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
