She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
