I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
