Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Randomize
