A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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