This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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