It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
