I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
