i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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