i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
