Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
