mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she told me i tasted like america
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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