I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
ok first of all what the fuck
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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