imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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