A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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