I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
