i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
