you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This is my gift to your gina
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
