I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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