I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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