he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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