Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
