considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
