You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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