Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
organizing the empties. That sober.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
