Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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