Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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