It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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