If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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