what day is it and did you see me today?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
