I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
