If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
