watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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