i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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