a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
