I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
