I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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