i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
be right there i have to get my cape
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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