My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
