I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
