Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
