I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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