just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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