I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
