last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
one two three fourrrrnication!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
