CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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