at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
