How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
