I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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