WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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