Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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