i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
