Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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