I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
