saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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