I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
