I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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