Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
