Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
